The Man in the Third Pew: What Pastors Don't See
The Narrow Way Blog | October 1, 2026
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He'll be in your church this Sunday. He might sit in the third pew, usher at the 10:00, or lead a small group. And he is quietly losing a battle with pornography and compulsive sexual behavior that he has never told anyone about, least of all you.
I work with men like him every week through The Narrow Way. Here is what I've learned about why he stays silent, why the church often stays silent with him, and what actually helps a man get free.
Why He Won't Tell You
Most men see their pastor as somehow better than them, closer to God, maybe even close to perfect. Admitting this struggle feels like falling in your eyes, and that is a fall he can't bear to take.
It's even harder for the men closest to you. It is almost always easier to confess to a stranger than to someone you know and respect. The guy who has coffee with you every week may be the last one who will ever bring it up.
Underneath it all is shame, and it runs two layers deep. The first layer says, "I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to get out." The second is quieter and heavier: "Part of me likes this." A man is embarrassed not only that he's stuck, but that some part of him doesn't want to be free. That second layer is what keeps his mouth shut.
So he hides. Like a man who keeps lying just to cover his last lie, the hiding becomes its own habit, because being found out feels like the worst thing that could happen. Scripture names the cost of that plainly:
"No one who conceals transgressions will prosper, but one who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." (Proverbs 28:13)
Two Faces on Sunday Morning
The struggling man usually wears one of two faces.
The defeated man. There's a glaze in his eyes, a quiet hopelessness. He goes through the motions of worship, but he's somewhere else. He has tried to stop, failed again, and stopped believing anything will change.
The polished man. He's the opposite: smiling, outgoing, maybe a little too friendly. Everything about him seems a bit too well put together. You might walk away thinking, "This guy is almost too happy." Sometimes the performance is the tell.
If you've been a pastor for any length of time, none of this will surprise you. You've seen both men. The question is not whether they're in your church. The question is whether they know they can come to you.
The Silence Is the Problem
It's common to blame shame-heavy preaching for keeping men stuck. In my experience, that isn't what's happening in most churches. The bigger problem is silence.
Lust, pornography, masturbation: in most churches, those words are almost never spoken from the pulpit. And when the subject does come up, the answer is often some version of "pray harder." Prayer matters deeply, but a man who has prayed for years and keeps falling hears "pray harder" as "you're not trying hard enough." He leaves with nothing practical and one more reason to stay quiet.
Silence tells a struggling man that his problem is too shameful to name, or that he's the only one who has it. Neither is true. When a church names it out loud, it stops being the elephant in the room and becomes something real that men can face together.
The Slow Leak
Many men tell themselves they're fine. Maybe they only look at pornography once a month, or once every couple of months. It doesn't feel like a crisis.
But picture a boat taking on a couple of buckets of water every day. It may float for a long time. It will still sink. Plenty of men only realize how much water they've taken on when it's too late.
Why don't they get help sooner? Some don't believe freedom is possible. Some feel the problem is unmanageable, or they have no idea where to start and no one to point the way. And some won't even look, because searching for help means admitting there's a problem. It's much easier to say, "I've got it under control." Scripture has a word for that too:
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:8–9)
The turning point is a decision. A man can choose, today, that he doesn't want to live like this anymore, and he can believe that another way of life is possible.
What Actually Helps
When a man finally opens up, he needs more than encouragement. He needs a path. This is the path I walk with men at The Narrow Way:
Humility and surrender. Healing starts when a man stops pretending and owns his problem.
Group accountability. He needs a group of men who meet, talk honestly, and hold each other to it. If your church doesn't have one, help him find one.
One-on-one connection. The men in that group need to connect with each other individually, not just on meeting night.
Name the danger zones. He identifies the specific places, times, and circumstances where he's most vulnerable.
Real, written consequences. Many men have lived as if pornography cost them nothing. Clear consequences, written down and actually felt, change that.
A trained coach. A family doctor won't have a prescription for pornography addiction. A coach trained in sexual addiction knows what to offer, and can lay out a practical plan.
Therapy for the roots. A certified sexual addiction therapist can help him dig into the psychological and biological roots underneath the behavior.
Whether a man takes these steps is his choice. But he can't take them if no one ever shows him they exist.
What You Can Say From the Pulpit
You don't need a sermon series to break the silence. You need a few honest sentences, said out loud, more than once.
Name it: lust, pornography, compulsive sexual behavior. Say plainly that men in this room are struggling with it, and that they are not alone. Tell them that healing happens in humility, and that a man who won't own his problem, get accountable, and keep track of what's going on won't grow much. Then show him a next step, whether that's your door, a group, or a trained coach.
That man in the third pew is waiting for someone to go first. It may as well be you.
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Matthew Nordquist is founder of The Narrow Way, a recovery coaching ministry in Minnesota for men struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, and a Certified Sexual Addiction Recovery Coach (CSARC). He speaks at men's groups, parishes, churches, and campuses. To invite him to speak, visit nrway.org.
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